Imagine this: It’s Saturday evening; you’ve just finished dinner with a newly acquainted gentleman or lady; and you’ve had the bright idea to suggest renting a movie. Now, clueless, you stand before the shelves of the video store looking at hundreds, nay, thousands of unfamiliar movie boxes. Panic sets in as you realize that choosing a dud could either be a humorous bonding experience or could spoil the evening, and thus, your every lonely evening for weeks to come. Which to choose…?
Fear not. To supplement my work in the next big folk/rock/Americana vocal group, I’ve gotten to enjoy a great number of interesting and rewarding occupations, as a piano mover, as an itinerant barbeque journeyman, as a landscaper and ditch-digger, and also as a video store clerk. The latter has left me (hopefully) with some insights, after countless hours spent wandering among the video racks, into the deductive process whereby one can glean some advance knowledge of the movie on the shelf. Many of these rules will seem obvious—I’m merely trying to be thorough—and I am trying to impart rules based on experience, rather than relying on “common sense” (sometimes known as superstition or the suckers’ end of 100 years of marketing research). Here are the rules as I have observed them:
Movie box press quotations can be a useful indicator of a film’s quality.
Although far from universal, this general statement is a sound place to start and the driving premise of this article. People (theoretically) enjoy a film before they say good things about it, and if they say good things about it, the studio will probably want you, the consumer, to know about this fact and will try to inform you by means of quotations on the movie box. Understanding how the movie box quotations work is a function of several subsidiary rules...
More often than not, if critics like a movie, this is because the movie is good.
The rather slippery syllogism plays something like this: If you are a person, then you are more likely to prefer a movie that is preferred by more people (than not). If more people prefer a movie (than not), then there will be many quotations on the movie box. Ergo, if there are many quotations on the movie box, then you are more likely (than not) to prefer the movie.
*Correlate: Meanwhile, especially if a movie was heavily publicized, a distinct lack of critical endorsement is particularly foreboding.
If the studio cranked out the bucks to get people into the theaters (as opposed to, say, an under-the-radar indie gem—If you’ve heard of the movie, it really ought to have some quotations. If you have not heard of it, however, it might be a wonderful, overlooked piece of life-changing art), then hopefully they found plenty of people to say nice things about the movie. If not, beware.
Don’t overlook the importance of the front of the box.
One indicator of how many favorable reviews a movie has received is the front/back of box quotation ratio.
--No quotations anywhere on the box: Unless this is the result of a particular packaging concept, for example a reissue DVD or a new movie whose box art layout is intended to speak for itself, then no quotations likely means that no major reviewers had anything encouraging to say about this movie—Bad sign.
--All quotations on back: If there are no quotations on the front of the box, more likely than not it’s because the production company is saving everything they have for the backside, to go along with the jacket blurb hard sell. Be wary.
--One on front, one on back: This is the next most desperate condition, but not necessarily an indication of a bad movie, more likely one over which critics (and probably viewers) are split. A 1/1distribution accompanied by a tasteful friend’s recommendation is a decent bet.
--Two on front, one on back: Probably critics have a variety of nice things to say about this movie, and that’s good. Similarly, your response could be hot or cold, but it’s good to know it’s not hated by everyone.
Once you’ve got three positive quotations, including at least one from a major or reliable source (horrorbloodfest.com’s review of the new thriller might not be a great indication, if you’re more of a Hitchcock fan, for example, so read the fine print), you can start to feel confident that you’re not holding a total dud.
But, of course, there are other types of quotation and movie-box accreditation to consider…
Multiply cited quotations are just as good as they seem.
Sure it seems obvious, but you really can’t beat “One of the year’s ten best” attributed to a whole list of major reviewers. Similarly “Over 40 four-star reviews” comes dangerously close to the “universal acclaim” category. There is no guarantee, but this is probably worth a try. At least you can be assured that people you know will be talking about it.
Single word quotations can be effective, but only when supported by full-phrase quotations as well.
As a space saving tool, if a movie has received a boat load of praise, the cover may be peppered with single word quotations (e.g. “Marvelous,” “Intense!” etc). These are fine, and it’s good to know lots of people are saying lots of nice things about your pick, but hopefully these are not the only quotations on the box, or else one might fear they are taken out of context or written by someone whose mastery of English is lacking.
Exclamation points are meaningless.
There is no difference between the quotations “One of the best films of the year,” and “One of the best films of the year!” Don’t be misled. This is a choice of the person laying out the video box, not the critic who composed the quotation.
Also, film festival inclusion is not such a sure bet.
The fact that the movie you’re holding showed at a film festival means, at the very least, that one person on the admissions panel liked it enough to accept it. This, however, does not, by any stretch, mean that most people at the festival felt the same way. So, while festival screening might suggest that the movie is a little way off the beaten path (and if you’re into arthouse or indie film or are just in the mood for something different, festival inclusion might be a good place to start), that does not itself mean you’re holding a keeper. Film festival award winners, on the other hand, hold much more promise than entrants. Don’t let the mere appearance of the film fest logo mislead you—Again, read the fine print.
Like them or not, Academy Award nominations (and wins) indicate at least a minimum quality, if not a guarantee that you will enjoy a given movie.
What the studio says about its own movie is not, I repeat, NOT a good indication of what or how good the movie is.
Movie studios and production companies can say whatever they liken about their movie, shy of defamation, obscenity and false advertising. Take, similarly, the distinct impression given by cigarette manufacturers that their product will make you cooler, or that by a liquor marketer that its product will help you to be sexier. Even so, slogans and slug lines are the marketing prosthetics of people trying to sell their film. So the text that appears out of quotation marks and says things such as “Three Men. Nothing to Lose. One Chance,” or “The year’s sexiest comedy from a dazzling new director” without citing sources is pure bullpucky.
Additionally, even good production companies putting out movies to good reviews will not shy away from shameless hyperbole in their backside blurb. All that these indicate is what they want the film to be and to whom they want it to appeal, by no means what it is. Critics and friends will give you a much better idea of what a movie is actually like than anything the filmmakers have to say about it. Which brings me to my next point…
More highly respected news sources hire more reliable editorial staff (i.e. movie reviewers).
The New York Times, for example, is followed by an enormous number of readers. As a result, it behooves them to hire accurate, consistent movie reviewers (such as A.O. Scott and Manohla Dargis), as they would any journalists. The reason this is important is that the conspicuous presence of quotations from the Springfield Free Weekly Gazette en lieu of name-brand quotations on a movie box might suggest that people who have devoted their careers to appreciating film and have been recognized for it do not have good things to say about the movie in question. This could be a bad sign. Additionally, if the only warm reviews are from local radio or TV syndicate sources, this almost certainly means that nobody who really cares about movies has picked up on your selection.
All this being said, a little homework will pay off:
Find reviewers you can trust.
If you have the time, try looking up the reviews of a movie you’ve already seen. Metacritic compiles reviews and is probably a good place to start, and is certainly a useful critical resource of its own. Find some reviews from major press sources that are similar to your judgments. If you know, for example, that you and the Boston Globe’s Ty Burr tend to like or dislike the same movies, then seeing his name on a movie box will give you an easy clue, if, say, you’ve never heard of a movie that looks interesting in the store. Furthermore, it is likely that film reviewers will share the general editorial taste of the publication for which they write. So, if you really can’t stand The New Yorker, then it’s also possible you might not consider a quotation from them a viable credential for a given film. For example, I tend to agree with the Chicago Tribune's assesment of movies (not the Sun Times', mind you, for which Roger Ebert writes), so their name on a movie box gives a quick advantage to that film, in my mind. This small investment of attention will pay dividends in enjoyment at the DVD player.
A personal note on some critics...
Beware Pete Hammond. Maxim's principal film critic shows up on boxes everywhere, spouting intelligence-insulting hyperbole, seemingly about every movie he sees. So, unless Maxim really mirrors your worldview, don't listen to the Hammond. Another Peter to watch out for is Peter Travers, of Rolling Stone. While not as degenerately indiscriminate as Hammond, Travers, once he likes a movie, will not hesitate to call it "one of the year's best" or some similar extremist marketing slogan. Also, Roger Ebert (Gene Siskel, may he rest in peace, was sadly the better critic by far) seems to like good movies. The problem is that he also likes a lot of crappy movies. I don't find his endorsements to be especially helpful.
Books can be useful.
Although the idea of buying a printed book full of information you can get on the internet seems a bit outdated, Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide is truly indispensable for those seeking concentrated doses of film insight. The guy knows his stuff. Meanwhile, Videohound’s Golden Movie Retriever has more of an everyman’s perspective. I recommend picking one of these up for a few bucks as a quick and reliable reference.
There may be help in the video store.
Likely as not, your video store has information about what to rent within it*. Especially if you’re at an independent rentery, you’re likely to find a video guide, such as the ones mentioned above, if you only ask. This will, be warned, put you on the fast track to eccentric regular status, but this is not without its benefits. Video store people will be happy to know that you care about movies (and might, for this reason, let you off on the occasional late fee). However, video store staff are somewhat likely to be hesitant about making recommendations. The best way to get reliable advice is to talk with your local clerk regularly, so that he or she has an idea of your preferences. Otherwise, it’s a precarious position in which to be: giving advice about how to spend someone else’s money, when success and failure are a matter of taste, entirely.
*If you are renting at Blockbuster, know that you will almost certainly find no help within its walls. In my experience, Blockbuster staff are among the most disgruntled and miserable in the world. What are you doing renting from Blockbuster, anyway? Get out of here!
A final note about where to find guidance…
Even if a movie has all your favorite actors in it, this is no indication whatsoever that the film does not suck.
Before filming, it can be difficult to tell how a movie will turn out. And, actors are doing a job, for which they hope to be paid. So, even though your favorite stud is on the movie box, if there’s no other indication that the movie is any good…well, then, there’s no indication that the movie is any good. Finding directors you like is much surer way of at least getting a type of movie you enjoy. Also, movie studios, though not a hard-and-fast rule, often have streaks where a dominant philosophy runs through their catalog. For example, Miramax was originally the Weinstein brothers’ studio for quality independent pictures; although, in later years, adoptive parent company Disney’s demands have slowly eroded the founding values. One recalls also that Focus Features had a streak of several years good filmmaking in the early part of the 21st century. (As an aside, the now independent Weinstein Company and Sony have, in my opinion, done well over the last couple years.) So, if you’ve been enjoying a particular studio’s work lately, this might help if you’re on the fence about a movie…Just don’t judge a movie based on its cast. Please.
…All right, well, I guess that’s all the advice I can offer. Please consider some of these rules, and I hope now you’ll be a little better prepared next time you have to pick a movie because, after all, life is too short to watch crappy movies.
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